Thursday, February 14, 2008
I dread this cystoscopy tomorrow, not only because of the procedure itself, but because of the other procedures it could lead to. When we last talked, the doctor said she thinks my problems are from the spine. I started wondering how many other problems I have are from the spine, too--the sudden numbness in the last two fingers of my hand, the heart arrthymmia, the large patch of pain inside my leg? The sciatica I know is from spine. I have a great imagination, great research skills, and an infinite capacity for worry. I don't want to have any more limitations than I do already. I don't want any new problems. I don't want surgeries or more drugs. I want to take hikes this summer, however short, enjoy nature. I want my body back. I feel old. I don't even feel like I. I undone. I deconstructed. I a jumble of not working, fragmented.