1. During anesthesia, wake up. Each and every time, especially on Versed, otherwise known as truth serum.
2. While awake, reveal your deepest secrets, ones you had not even thought were secrets because the Conscious and Unconscious never conferred and said, "hey, maybe you don't want to say that." Realize with horror what you say at the time, but there's a disconnect between lips and brain. The lips are in control. The brain looks on but is unable to act to save itself. There are things that only two people should know about, and the other person is not someone in the surgery room. Make other confessions about issues you haven't even clarified with yourself and are not even sure are entirely true.
3. Eventually, have a reaction to the anesthesia because you are recovering from a respiratory infection that's lasted weeks and you didn't want to keep postponing. Uncontrollable coughing where you cannot take in any air. Wake up as doctor pats you on the back and says that you need to stop coughing. Try to stop coughing, but keep coughing. Tell nurse to remove socks because you're too hot, and you know being hot makes you cough more. Get drowsy again. Think you're at home. Ask someone to rub your back, thinking it's your husband. Wake up again when people laugh. Say something about sex and backrubs and husband. People stop laughing. Realize you've said something really wrong.
4. Conclude from surgery prep and someone messing with your very low back that sexual assault by some random stranger is about to happen. And that you're unable to act. Give doctor an earful and chewing out. Later, remember not being still. For a spinal procedure. Pass out again.
5. Wake up a minute later shrieking in 12-level pain on a scale of 10. Shake all over, uncontrollably, from pain. Hear doctor say, "good grief." Pray aloud for Gabriel and Michael to intercede on your behalf, because God seems to have taken a step back. Pass out again. Seconds later, yell at husband to turn music in the surgery room off and let the dog out. Apologize, saying you thought you were at home again (as if you shriek at people at home). Pass out again.
(If during wisdom tooth extraction, freak out about huge metal thing being put in your mouth and what's happening to your teeth. Realize this won't last forever. Pray you'll pass out again. Pass out again.
If during colonoscopy, freak out nurse and GI doctor (oh yes, very long time since you've seen her) by suddenly saying, "cool," and asking about the pictures on the screen.)
6. Wake up again. Say something about how this is a lot like time travel. Pass out again. Hear random comments of anesthesiologist, and respond to them with your own opinion. Everyone stops talking.
7. Wake up again when they're transferring you. The anesthesiologist tells you they almost had to stop the procedure completely, that they gave you Versed, the truth serum, after waking you up from the other drug and letting it wear off a little. Recognizing "Versed" and you don't mix, ask over and over, "I didn't say anything did I? Did I?"
8. Doctor comes in to talk to you and husband. He looks concerned but won't look your husband in the eye.
9. Get dressed. Realizing your socks are not on, recognize that those distant memories of discussing them with the nurse and the other memories did not happen ten years ago and weren't some weird dream but happened within the last half hour.
10. Remember later there's always a follow-up appointment scheduled--which you've been known to "forget." Can't forget with this doctor, follow-up too important.
11. Go to restroom. Look in mirror as you wash your hands. Look in horror at burst blood vessels around your eyes from coughing so much and not getting enough air.
12. Resolve not to go under again.
13. Later, when doctor recommends going under again, say that you don't think that's a good idea. Be glad he's so nice as to say, "oh...but you were sick then." Stupidly agree to go under again.
14. Hope that this time you won't talk on Versed.