I had not realized it was so long since I blogged--having the job is good, adjusting to loneliness has been difficult. When our transportation and other issues get settled down again, things will be easier--right now I haven't been able to make it to needed doctor's appointments. Thank goodness the kidney bleeding crisis ended right before my husband started the new job. It's difficult for me to engage without more help or mental stimulation--I have been reading and commenting on some blogs, though. I have little concentration that I want for various tasks, distracted by emotional and physical pains, the difficulties of being physically dependent but not having help. My counselor won't do phone appointments (I can't leave home for multiple reasons) but I did call a crisis line this week and that has helped me move forward, ever slight, barely perceptible.
I am not habituated to be an anchorite, but when times call for it, I tend to go within almost completely. Except for doctor's appointments--and the last of those on February 4--I had not been able to go places since my son's Christmas party and a twenty minute run into two stores. Most won't visit, even those who have time; it's always a tentative future event or unfulfilled promise if a day is set. Unintentionally, now most emails unanswered, phone calls unreturned. I intend to answer them. It's like I can't make myself move. I just need out--I have been able to get that on weekends some, finally, a few hours here and there. It's not personal if I've not responded; I will try and want to try. I long for connection and yet it's as hard to do as physical movement when the pain is greatest. The unengaged aloneness for this much time just feeds itself, depression I guess.
My children will be on spring break soon. We will have visitors and visit and more good in the coming weeks.
I need LIFE. While antidepressants are helpful for some, right now that would be like putting a band-aid on a spurting artery. The cause of the bleeding has got to be addressed, rectified, and right away. I am absolutely isolated during the work week, plus people are gone for evening activities, birthday parties, errands--weekends can be as difficult as the week. I want to work or do personal projects/hobbies, but I need help to be able to work, with retrieving or setting up or books or materials or getting me to an interview. A wheelchair. Dressing alone can take up all of a day's energy if I don't have help or must rush. I make sandwiches for the kids before school and have to lie down for three hours, still not recovered fully from the pain. If we don't plan carefully, I don't eat.
I knew things were getting bad last week when I couldn't even look forward to the wheelchair (bound up in red tape)--that's a bad place to be. But I feel hopeful realizing I'll have ten days with the kids, and probably transportation during that time too to take them somewhere, plus not so much pain that I can't get them out some. Spring weather ahead...